Deformed by a €10 mirror

When the cat stopped to look at herself in it, I should have known something was wrong with that mirror. Herself thought a long, narrow mirror would look well on the wall of the living room. "You'll only be looking at yourself in it all the time when you're trying to watch telly", I warned. To no avail. Dunnes Stores provided one long, narrow mirror this evening in a smart wooden frame.

It was a long day and I didn't get time to make our supper until nearly 8.00pm. Then the thought of hanging the bloody mirror loomed large when all I wanted to do was drink a beer and watch the Heineken adverts. I could find picture hooks, but none of the accompanying small nails. My first whack of the hammer the plaster gave way and left a dent under the picture hook. The frame was knotty and the screwdriver was too big.

Despite all the real and imagined difficulties, I hung it. Then the trouble started.

"It's making the curtains look wavy."

"What?"

"Oh! I look strange!"

I stepped in front of it. My beer belly was intact on the left side, but had drooped down to somewhere under my knee on the right. I reached down, involuntarily to check I was alright. My arm was five feet long.

I stepped back a bit. Herself was kind of s-shaped.

Then the giggling started.

I said: "I'm charging people to come in and take a look in that."

The mirror, I'm told, is going back to the shop tomorrow. Meanwhile, I can hear Herself laughing in the other room.

"I just stood up and half my face is missing!"

Is deformity covered in the Consumer Protection Acts? I'm going to lobby tonight to keep it as a curiosity. My own modest fun house is beginning to look more like the real thing...