Checklist for building a kitchen cupboard

Go to work. Check.
Go to meeting. Check.
Leave work at 12.30pm. Check.
Visit Veterinary Surgery before 1.00pm. Check.
Wait for bus. Check.
Listen to Thump! as arse hits ground having actually frozen off. Check.
Get home late because of bloody buses. Check.
Visit blogs on PC. Check.
Make tea. Check.
Drink tea and eat slice rhubarb pie. Check.
Chase ginger cat out of garden with broom. Check.
Spend 15 minutes in bathroom. Check.
Say Hello to cat in bedroom. Check.
Change out of work clothes. Check.
Bang head on staircase looking for boots. Check.
Open flatpack and follow instructions. Check.

Easy.

Honesty best policy

Probably because I have spent so much time tapping away on keyboards and pressing buttons on computer screens "Just to see what happens", I tend to have a bit more confidence when it comes to fixing problems found on PCs in the office. This has translated into the dreaded "Computer Whizz" title, which is not deserved. I try to tell people they can do the same if they just use the Force. But they still come looking for help.

"Can you fix our projector?" I am asked.
"I'll take a look. What's its problem?"
"I can't get the remote to advance the pages in my presentation."

So I end up in an office with a 1,000,000 watt projector lamp shining on a wall where the paint is beginning to peel in the heat, poking at buttons on a remote control not unlike the one I use every night to watch my digital TV channels.

"Do you have the manual?" I ask.

A single printed page with labels pointing at a photo of the remote is produced. The labels say much the same thing as the labels already physically printed on the buttons of the remote control. The "OK" button is labelled "OK button", and so on.

"I haven't got a clue what's wrong," I say.

There is an audible intake of breath. Someone drops a teacup heavily onto the floor. I'm asked:

"You mean to tell me you don't know how to fix it...?"

"Absolutely not. Goodbye and good luck."

Yesterday I was asked how to remove Comments from a Word document. You know the type that the boss likes to add to a report that needs editing.

"Haven't got a baldy clue. Never used them before. Try the View menu, or something."

Then, to complete the hattrick of woe, someone asked me:

"I've lost the controls on the bottom of my spreadsheet. Can you get it back?"

I pressed the Maxmise button on the window and the controls re-appeared.

My reputation for perfection restored, I scurried back to my own office and basked in the beautiful music of the renewed songs of praise that echoed around the building in wonderful harmonies.

I'm green and purple

"Use less energy" the radio expert is saying on RTE this morning. There's a programme on about overhauling old houses and making them more energy efficient.

I'm doing my best to comply with the advice. It has taken me three hours to get socks on my feet and a pair of boots laced on from all the energy saving.

I was awoken rather rudely at 8.30am by the cat attacking my foot. This is at least the third time she's done this. From her point of view, she is minding her own business when a bare interloper about the size of herself starts impinging on her space. So out come the teeth and claws. The day started in our house by a loud "Jesus Christ!", the thumping of a cat onto the bedroom floor in flight, and the throwing of a pillow in her general direction.

It's raining this morning. Earlier it was damp, but not workmanlike. Now there is real workmanlike rain. It's falling completely vertically and is making little rustling noises on the black bags of empty beer cans we plan some day to recycle.

I took down the last of the gazebo yesterday. I had stripped off the cover some weeks ago with the vague notion of putting it back up whenever the weather improved enough to warrant it. Naturally when there was no wind, there was little sun. And when there was sun, there was no heat. So the skeleton of hollow metal poles was left there, generally in the way and looking like the remains of some skinny but rangey beast. Now the unbroken view of three thousand leaves of dandelions sucking up rainwater is a distinct improvement.

A phone call last night asked if I could help with a computer problem, so I shook off the energy saving and got enough clothing and footwear on so I can go to the guy's house later and look wise. At least it will get me out. As I've not met the man before, I have naturally put on my most purple of teeshirts and a matching purple tartan shirt. I may not be able to fix his computer, but I will at least put the sight out of his eye.